


it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

by solsticeflux



Series: Faerun Idol [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, do you ever just write something and regret it, fuck sazed, ironic title!!! its funny, taakitz is there but not til lile the end, the american idol au literally no one asked for, these are things i watched happen guys i am not making this shit up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 22:32:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8640691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solsticeflux/pseuds/solsticeflux
Summary: "Everyone’s heard of Taako, after all, and who wouldn’t want to be critiqued by one of the best in the business? As long as they take his advice, he’s sure that anyone can become a star just like him!Not many people take his advice, unfortunately."A series of audition flops that the boys are forced to remember for eternity, and one audition that feels like a miracle.





	

**Author's Note:**

> oh man oh man i watched 2+ hours of worst audition videos with my friend instead of sleeping and it just became
> 
> this

Taako, for his time, has seen a lot of performers. Or, rather, people who _call_ themselves performers. The stage is a hard thing to stand on, especially when you’ve been given false hope about your talent. Taako learns this quickly. 

But, honestly, most of these people are downright awful. 

Taako is a performer at heart; loves the stage, the lights, the sounds. So, naturally, he jumps at the chance to judge a singing-based competition. Everyone’s heard of Taako, after all, and who wouldn’t want to be critiqued by one of the best in the business? As long as they take his advice, he’s sure that anyone can become a star just like him! 

Not many people take his advice, unfortunately. 

It’s only the first season of the show -- Faerun Idol, they called it. Not the most tasteful title, but Taako could manage -- when the singer encounters his first total fail audition. It’s a pair of brothers, Brekins is what they call themselves, and Jenkins insists his brother Brian can sing. They compare themselves to the great Hurley and Sloane, both of which whom Taako knows personally -- he’ll have to remember to tell them about this _mess_ later. 

Brother Brian cannot sing. 

Period, that’s the end of the discussion, there’s nothing left to say. Unfortunately, the brothers are just as persistent as they are awful at singing. Taako tells them, point blank. 

“Honey, darling, there’s no way. You can’t sing.” 

Jenkins pulls at his rainbow bow-tie and glares. Taako isn’t intimidated; he has a six-foot burly man sitting next to him, after all. Magnus Burnsides is another one of the judges; he used to be a rock band, and they called him the Bear. While the look is correct, Taako’s found the man to be more of the stuffed and cuddly variety than anything terrifying. Still, it’s easy to feel safe while sitting next to a man who can literally break almost all the contestants in half if need be. 

“He _can_ sing!” The brother argues, and Taako takes a glance at Magnus. The man nods, and the elf turns back to the brothers, who have begun trying to sing a new song. The judge at the end of the table, Merle Highchurch, groans like he’s in pain. Taako cannot blame him; they’re butchering one of the man’s own country songs. It probably feels like salt in his wounded ears.

“Let me make this very clear. Neither of you can sing.” He levels his gaze at the two and for a split second he literally thinks one of them is going to attack him. Then Magnus stands up and the the brothers make a hasty retreat. 

Taako breathes a sigh of relief that they’re gone. He begins to relax again and nearly succeeds until later when Brekins reappears to attempt serenade him -- with Never Gonna Give You Up, of _all_ things; a final, desperate plea for their shot at stardom. 

It’s the first of many similar incidents. 

 

The second time it happens, it’s still a shock. 

The man walks up and Taako just has this _feeling,_ he somehow knows it’s not going to go well. The contestant turns his hat backwards, and grips the mic. Taako braces himself, and _pleads_ with any god that will listen to let this go well. 

Gods have never really been fond of the elf. 

Nearly as soon as the music starts, the man -- Taako hadn’t even caught his name he talked so fast -- starts liberally dropping cuss words left and right. He flips around the stage and the elf side-eyes Merle at the end of the table, knowing they’re both thinking the same thing. The dwarf’s mouth has dropped open, and Taako nearly snorts, but then he hears a loud thud from the stage. His ears hear the mic frequency and Magnus looks vaguely concerned. Their contestant, having apparently finished his song, had thrown himself into the ground and now just lay there. 

For that performance, Taako almost wishes the man has died. 

But no, miracles don’t occur on his stage unless he’s performing and the contestant gets up right as Magnus is beginning to call for an ambulance. And then, the _nerve_ of this man, he asks how he did. He’s smiling. Taako loads up a scathing remark, and before the kindhearted man beside him can say anything, he lets loose. 

“Get off my stage.” Well, it’s not what he means to say, but it’s still true. Magnus bumps him with his shoulder and Taako dramatically sighs. “That performance was painful. Actually painful. And I would very much appreciate it if you would,” He leans into the mic. “Step off my stage.” He barely hears the other two give their respective no’s, glaring down the contestant until he is _gone._

 

The third time. Oh, the third time. 

Taako barely blinks as the fishnetted woman walks onstage; he’s seen and worn a lot of strange costumes and he knows they aren’t an indicator of talent. Or, so he hopes. But she isn’t just wearing normal fishnets, no, that would be too easy. She’s wearing a fishnet _bodysuit._ Still, Taako gives her the benefit of the doubt, even as Magnus very uncomfortably looks away. 

The elf thinks he should have learned by now. 

The woman doesn’t even sing, she just makes random noises with her mouth as she stalks down the stairs towards the judges table. Once there, she gets on top of it and begins to attempt to give Merle a lapdance. Magnus rapidly spins the ring on his finger and very pointedly does not look at her. Merle does nothing but sit shock still; after what seems like an eternity, she moves on in Taako’s direction. 

He doesn’t think, he just gets up and bolts into the crowd. The audience is having a field day. 

The contestant _chases him into the crowd._ He’d give her points for persistence, but he’s beginning to rapidly run out of those. Almost as rapidly as he’s trying to evade this woman, in fact. He wonders, not for the first time, why Faerun Idol doesn’t have any sort of screening process. Magnus -- bless his heart and soul -- mercifully calls for the song to end. Taako apprehensively makes his way back to his seat. The woman is escorted offstage, by security. 

“So it’s all no’s from us, right?” He pans eyes to the other two judges. “Please. Please agree.” Magnus stutters out a reply and Merle just nods, likely still in shock. 

Taako hopes the camera doesn’t catch his forehead slamming into the table in front of him. 

 

There’s too many more awful, horrific, embarrassing auditions to count from that point on. Of course, there are some good ones, too, but something about the shame of the bad ones just sticks in Taako’s mind longer. So, he calls this time the fourth. He knows that it isn’t really the fourth, but if he tried to count everything he’s seen in the past 3 seasons of Faerun Idol… There’s only so much one elf -- even an incredibly talented and handsome one -- can take. 

This, however, qualifies as the absolute worst experience of his life to date. It isn’t even an exaggeration to call it that. 

The auditionee’s name is Sazed. The only reason Taako remembers his name is because the guy says it so many times in the course of his… _act._ The elf can’t call it a performance with a clear conscious. Merle asks what song he’s going to perform and Sazed replies that it’s “a little somethin’ he whipped up himself.” 

If that didn’t send off warning bells in Taako’s mind, nothing ever will. 

Sazed finds a way to squeeze everything in the dictionary that rhymes with his name into his “song.” He hits the word dead, and, _oh,_ does Taako wish he was. Aside from forced rhymes, sentences that don’t make sense, and some very strange cooking puns, there’s the use of so many expletives that even Merle is shocked. Something builds in Taako’s gut, his talent-related sixth sense telling him whatever is coming up next, it will not be good. 

And then it happens. 

Sazed drops his pants. 

Taako physically recoils in his seat with more force than necessary and the force knocks his hat off his head; nothing to hide behind now. And so the elf is forced to watch in horror as Sazed continues moving around onstage, junk flying in every which way. Somehow the rest of the whole stadium is filled with that same shock, which is enough to keep them all frozen, just watching the scene in front of them. 

When Merle calls for security, Taako thinks that this year he really needs to get the dwarf something for _every day of the year._

Sazed is forcibly man-handled offstage, and all three judges throw up a quick thanks to their respective gods, if any. The contestant leaves with a startling cry of “I love you Taako!” before the mic is ripped from his hand. Magnus makes a noise like he’s going to throw up and the elf pats his back in comfort. Merle lays his face in his hands for a moment. 

“Something about this show just attracts nuts, doesn’t it?” 

 

The last terrible audition that Taako stores in his memory is somewhat of a role-reversal. It isn't embarrassing for the contestant -- far from it, in fact. Rather, it’s embarrassing for Taako himself. 

The tall, dark skinned man introduces himself as Kravitz, and the first thing Taako notices is that he’s _beautiful._

The second thing Taako notices is that he’s nervous. Running through his mental catalogue of warning signs, that trait checks one of the smaller ones. The elf doesn’t let himself relax. 

“What are you going to sing?” Magnus asks, and he is _tired._ They need something good today, the rest of the auditions having been a mess. 

“I’m going to sing my own rendition of Scarborough Fair.” Kravitz replies and that’s a huge warning sign in Taako’s mind. Groaning internally, he braces himself. He was truly hoping that this would go well, but it seems that Fate has other plans. 

Kravitz begins to sing, and Taako is very nearly rocked to his core. 

He’s amazing, Taako is on the edge of his seat and leaning forward, eyes wide and mouth agape. He hasn’t heard a voice like this in so long. He hasn’t heard something that’s been so full of passion, and nearly perfectly executed, to boot. Magnus sits, transfixed, and Merle pretends not to be amazed and fails. 

“Holy shit.” Is the first thing that leaves his mouth, and somehow, amidst the roaring and cheering of the crowd, it looks like Kravitz hears him. The man smiles at the judge and Taako can feel himself blush, feeling warmer than usual. 

They unanimously put Kravitz through to the next round, and the round after that, continuing on until he wins it all. Taako isn’t surprised at all; over the course of the competition he’s gotten to know the man, seen his calming air and polite demeanor, felt a small kind of pull. They keep in touch after the competition, meeting for coffee every now and again. 

“I’m not coming back as a judge next season.” The elf tells the other one day, sipping a hot latte as Kravitz chokes on his own hot chocolate. 

“Why? I’m sure it can’t be all bad!” Kravitz says as he puts his drink down. Then he stops for a second and snickers. “Unless Sazed has somehow cloned himself.” 

“That was a very traumatic experience, I’ll have you know!” Taako jokes as Kravitz hides his replying laughter behind his hand. “And, for your information, I’m quitting before they fire me.” Kravitz turns a quizzical look on the elf. 

“Fire you? Why would they do that? You’re the fan favourite judge.” 

“Because,” Taako says, twirling his pinkie in his drink for a moment. “You’re not supposed to fall in love with contestants.” 

“Oh.” Kravitz says. Taako looks the other in the eyes, and sees a blushing rising to his face. 

_“Oh.”_ He repeats again, slower. Then, suddenly, a grin spreads over his face. 

“What?” The elf asks, both amused and alarmed as Kravitz dissolves into laughter. 

“It’s nothing, really,” He wipes a tear from his eye. “It’s just, I can accept, now, if they offer me your job.” Somehow that doesn’t clear anything up. 

“And what do you mean by that?” Kravitz looks back over at Taako, a sly grin forming on his face once again 

“Last time I checked, there’s no rule against falling in love with a judge if they’re not a judge anymore.” 

“Oh.” Taako echoes from earlier, realization setting in. 

“We seem to be at an impasse.” Kravitz states, taking a long drink from his cup and never losing eye contact with Taako. 

“We sure are.” The elf agrees, leaning forward _just_ slightly. 

“Guess the only thing we can do now is…” Kravitz sighs with practiced theatrical flair. “Date each other. If that’s acceptable to you, of course.” 

Taako reaches out, grabs him by the collar, and pulls him forward.

That’s all the answer they need.

**Author's Note:**

> this au shouldnt exist lmaooo 
> 
> like we were watching theae awful auditions and evebtually we started replacing simon cowell with taako and??? it escalated very rapidly 
> 
> i wrote this as a joke and its longer than all of my other oneshots except mere goodbye im d on e


End file.
